Santa Claus
Age: 1,651
Marital Status: Married, no children.
Hometown: North Pole
North Pole's tubby toy titan remains fiction's richest character, despite ongoing strife with Elvish labor force. Elves bemoan low-wages, lack of health care coverage and union-busting tactics of "Claws." Factory operations also dogged by several documented instances of child-labor. Santa retorts that "immortal" Elves don't need health insurance, and says child-workers were being punished for being "naughty." Analysts expect impact on toy and candy production to be minimal. Claus' ultimate motivations for annual gift-giving orgy remain unclear. Speculated to be tormented by infinite wealth; embarks on annual around-the-world trip in a futile attempt to give it away. Others detect darker side, noting percentage of children receiving lumps of coal and ill-treatment of rare Finnish-bred flying reindeer. Claus himself plays it close to the vest, cryptically muttering "Ho! Ho! Ho!" Member since time immemorial. -- Michael Noer
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