But Dad Didn't Like Grits?!

Scientists at Stanford University released a study Monday showing that men who regularly eat grits are 70 percent more likely to have gay children.  The prospective cohort study, published in Nature Medicine, followed 15,000 volunteers for 30 years to determine the influence of parental diet on the development of childhood illnesses. 

Although the study did find some connection between the maternal intake of sugar during pregnancy and childhood obesity, the most surprising finding was that fathers who ate grits had a much greater chance of having a gay child. 

“We were shocked when we ran the data,” says Edmund Bergler, the lead researcher on the project. "But we controlled for every variable. We triple-checked every calculation. And it turned out that eating grits makes your kids gay.”

After investigating further, the scientists discovered that chemical processing of grits creates a substance called homotonin, which acts as a free radical inside a man’s testes and damages his sperm’s DNA.  That DNA damage is passed onto the child and researchers believe it is responsible for the later development of homosexuality. 

“Gay people like to say that they are born that way, and they are right,” he explains. "The DNA damage that causes homosexuality happens much earlier, even before conception.

"Homosexuality is a choice. But it's the father's choice. What he eats  for breakfast determines the orientation of his child." 

Another scientist on the study says if parents want to minimize their risk of having a gay child they need to avoid certain foods.  “Grits have the highest homotonin levels. Its off the charts," he explains. "However foods like sweet tea, biscuits, chicken-fried steak, and cornbread also have very significant amounts.”  A spokesperson for Quaker Oats, a leading maker of instant grits said they had no comment on the study.

A representative of Cracker Barrel, a Southern restaurant chain, says that orders for grits have dropped almost 40 percent since the study was released.  Now why does that not surprise me?  I mean the average Cracker Barrel customer is such a learned person.